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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Day 2 of my diet
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Terribly Tuesday.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am