“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Clients after you give them your rates
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.