May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Mornin
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
This checks out
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging