Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Monday?
No. Next question.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward