Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.