o shit
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Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies