Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.