Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
house sitting!
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
How is it still this week?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.