@causticbob: what day is it?
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@Reverend_Scott: [first date at restaurant] ME: so, do you like dogs? HER: no, not really- ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
@withanewname: "Doc, it's embarrassing, but I don't feel sexy." "Try wearing the wife's panties." "Really?" "Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice"
@AudreyPorne: me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay cw: don't u collect human teeth?? me: yeah but they're not my teeth
@LindaInDisguise: Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure. "I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody." "Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies."