Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Science memes
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins