@omgthatspunny: What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
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@ericsshadow: My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
@ArfMeasures: *watches Planet Of The Apes* Ugh it's so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet *watches the news* Oh
@midnightwhale: [police station] "sir you get one phone call." [calls 911] "hello 911 what's your emergency?" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
@unravelingfire: People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for "pajama casual" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.