What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.