what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No