I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
when the buffet is more honest than your date
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?