Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
yeah no that’s fair
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
is this store having a stroke wtf
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide