Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Chicago sounds lovely.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.