That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’