What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”