I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
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After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
How I like cutting carbs
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.