What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this