What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
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