What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
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I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Customer is always right
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed