What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
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Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet