What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
How do you milk an almond?
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.