I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
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The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question