king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
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My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server