What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
You Might Also Like
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Don’t talk down to me
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
wow
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
File under excellent bookstore names.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.