What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
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Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.