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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.