Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
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i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.