What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.