What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
uncle dave has been through hell
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.