@jwoodham: What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@rockymomax: [ultrasound] DOCTOR: oh my god! HER: what's wrong? DOCTOR: Ok don't panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
@sofarrsogud: ON PHONE WITH MY MOM HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family? ME: *proudly* No I am not! *high fives my pet penguin
@SteveSuckington: "Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening." - How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
@MartinMurtagh: Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked "what would you like to do most to my body?""identify it" probably wasnt the right answer