the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
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Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG