God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I think this cat is broken
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story