It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
black phone good
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*