What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
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So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.