I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
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*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
this is how life feels