WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.