What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
You Might Also Like
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing