Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
new shirt idea
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.