therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol