I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.