“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
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How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.