What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free