WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.