WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
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Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
How does one answer this?
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…