What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
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Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
RT if you could go either way.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham