@WheelTod: [Animal Shelter] Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.” Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?” Me: “Well, mostly I'll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So... a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

@ThisOneSayz: First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

@FaisalAdam_: I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

@RainbowJohnJ: *addresses the elephant in the room* *puts a stamp on the elephant in the room* "My pen pal is gonna love this."

@Papa_Mex: Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet....