velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
i now pronounce you bounced.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
the red hot silly peppers
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I missed you with all my darts
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.