If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.