WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
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“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
then why did i get this email
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd